If an epistemologically-challenged hippopotamus with balsamic paraphernalia and an excommunicated Pope living in Manhattan got into a fight, who would win?
NOTE: the individual with the best answer will receive a prize of $0.01. Remember, be specific in your answers!
Who Would Win (again)
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The hippopotamus would be buisily attempting to decipher the nature of knowledge, whilst sniffing his balsamic paraphernalia. The Manhattan-dwelling Pope, of course, would be venting his anger from being excommunicated by yelling in Latin in a Manhattan-ish sort of accent at the hippopotamus’ paraphernalia. During all of this, the hippo and the Pope would not notice that a hair-dryer-loving, claustrophobic bird and a string-obsessed, wood-eating puff ball were carrying a vase, made especially for Dutchman’s Britches, filled with water and two Sea Dragons. A snowflake would fall, startling the string-obsessed, wood-eating puff ball, who would then jerk the vase made for Dutchman’s Britches, so that the water and two Sea Dragons would spill/fall onto the hippopotamus’ balsamic paraphernalia, which would then explode. The epistemologically-challenged hippopotamus with balsamic paraphernalia, the excommunicated Pope living in Manhattan, the hair-dryer-loving, claustrophobic bird, the string-obsessed, wood-eating puff ball, and the two Sea Dragons would all die leaving only the snowflake.
The snowflake would win.
Emily
The situation presented is very complicated and so cannot be answered properly without some context. The hippopotamus, of course, came from deep within the interior of the African continent where it used to frolick and giggle in the gurgling Nile, becuase, as we all know, “hippopotamus” is Greek for “river-horse.” It happened one day while collecting some balsamic paraphernalia to trade down river it came across a vociferous jelly bean bent on world domination touting his own excellencies in a contemptuous, high-pitched voice. This tirade induced in the hippopotamus an epistemological crisis in which it realized that it did not know anything, and it began fretting about whether it existed or not.
Just then some itinerant, time-travelling Norsemen grabbed the hippo and absconded with it, because they had heard of the legendary “river-horse” and were hoping to train it so that they could ride it along the rivers during their pillaging crusades.
However, due to an unforseen quantum fluctuation, the Norsemen ended up in Manhattan while they were time-travelling. The Norsemen being very confused, the hippo wandered off lackadaisically, unnoticed by the dumbfounded ruffians.
The Pope had the unusual characteristic of being both ruthlessly dogmatic concerning the doctrine of the Holy Roman Catholic Church and hysterically sensitive to conscience in certain things, one such thing being consumption of alcohol. Now it happened one day that he excommunicated himself immediately after dinner when he discovered that his personal chef, Help-yo-pot-o-mousse, had broiled the nacho cheese sauce in bourbon. Seeing that Pope was determined to excommunicate himself, the chef, who was from Manhattan, implored the Pope to stay at his million-dollar house in Manhattan to make up for his clumsy mistake. The Pope was obliged and so traveled to Manhattan.
Here the Pope worried about how he would ever be able to accept himself into the church again. Suddenly he had an epiphany and became an undercover agent and vowed to subvert all the dealers of alcohol.
So one day, on his way to a bar, the Pope bumped into a hippopotamus, the very one discussed above. The Pope apologized courteously; the hippo, somewhat socially awkward, was not sure how to respond and so instinctively tried to sell him some balsamic vinaigrette. The Pope suspected that it was something alcoholic and asked the hippo for his name. The hippo said that he was a hippopotamus. The pope stood aghast and exclaimed, “No, it cannot be! My, how you’ve changed. See what happens when you drink too much booze!” He then proceeded to seize the hippo’s balsamic paraphenalia; but the hippo, being very attached to its stuff, eluded the pope; at which point the Pope began to expound for the hippo the proof of its non-existence.
Just then the tyrannical jelly bean jumped out of the hippo’s bag drinking a bottle of ancient balsamic bourbon. The Pope cringed at seeing the bourbon as the bean danced around singing songs of victory and spilling the bourbon everywhere. The Norsemen, having smelled the alcohol flocked to the jelly bean, the Pope, and the hippo. Then the time machine malfunctioned and transported all of them to the Mezazoic era. Here they discover that they all need each other to survive and so they become friends. The Time Machine wins.
I must say, I rather enjoyed reading both of these; they were very inventive! But I must proclaim a winner, and that winner is sejwa, because, whereas both contestants introduced very random characters and items, Seth developed them slightly better. Congrats!
P.S. I am afraid I will not be able to give you your penny, Seth, for in reading your story, I laughed such that I had to spend it.