Difficult Decision

At the beginning of last semester I had a difficult decision to make. I had signed up for three classes and 4 credits of research, with the intention of dropping either one of the classes or the research. There was one class that I wanted to take which was not immediately necessary for Wim’s research group, but I was very interested in taking it. It was Quantum Field Theory (QFT). I did not have time to do research and take this class, but Wim wanted me to do research.

I began having doubts about whether I wanted to continue with Wim, partly because the summer research had been more frustrating than interesting and partly because I really was interested in learning more about QFT. I was afraid of getting stuck doing something that I didn’t love, but I was not entirely convinced that I would love QFT either. This uncertainty was a cause of great anxiety for me.

So instead of endlessly debating inside my head which path I should choose (which was driving me crazy) I decided that I should be honest with Wim. I expressed my doubts to him, albeit rather nervously, which seemed to upset Wm a bit. He told me that somebody had to do the research; I asked him if that meant he might look for someone else to take my place if I decided to take QFT, and he nodded his head. He suggested, however, that I speak with some of the other professors in the theory group.

So, I spoke with Professor Bernard, from whom I had taken quantum mechanics the previous year. I addressed to him my uncertainty, and he was very helpful. He told me that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and that if I were to choose QFT, I might be burning a bridge (I think he enjoyed using metaphors); but he said that if I had three in the bush or more (i.e. research group alternatives), or if I had several bridges, exploring a different research group might be feasible.

He also said that if I had the attitude of “I want to study QFT no matter what; I don’t care what other people say,” then he would feel more comfortable about me taking QFT; but he said that he didn’t detect that attitude in me.

I think his advice was good and sensible. I still had doubts, though, because I imagined that maybe I was meant to take QFT, and my chances of going across this bridge didn’t matter because God would bless me and do the impossible. I confused myself with all sorts of scenarios and possibilities. For example, one of my friends in the physics department (he is from Japan) is very similar to me in many ways, and he was taking QFT because he knew that that is what he wanted to do; I was afraid that if we went into separate research groups we wouldn’t interact as much, and I would be less able to share the gospel with him. I imagined ourselves joining the same research group, him eventually becoming a Christian, and then we would both do mighty things for God in the physics community.

On the spiritual side of things, however, I eventually understood that all my doubts were not only having a negative impact on myself but were also beginning to negatively affect those around me. First of all, I felt that my indecision was creating tension between me and Wim. Usually when I am struggling with something, I am able to maintain at least an air of affability when dealing with people who don’t know me so well, while at home I can be less agreeable; but now I had come to a point where I could not keep internal struggles separate from business matters. I had to make a commitment.

Secondly, one of my office mates (who is also in Wim’s group) told me on at least two occasions that I looked stressed, and I was. I think that it is good for unbelievers to see the struggles that a Christian invariably goes through, but I was clearly not being a good example of what it looks like to trust God. I remember thinking to myself, “Oh my goodness! My indecision is affecting my witness!”

I saw the firstfruits of my fears, and by God’s grace I saw that it was not good. I knew that if I continued down this path of doubt I could be ensnared by many evils. I had not understood before the extent to which my indecision could affect me and those around me. Frankly, I was a bit scared of what I could become; so I fled, I fled to God and trembled at His word. I decided before God that my desire to make the best decision was not as important as trusting God. I could not possibly consider all the possibilities and all the data. I had to make a decision and as long as I was trusting and acknowledging God my choice in this situation was of little importance; but based on the advice that Professor Bernard gave me, my decision was easy once I stopped worrying so much. I decided to do the research instead and stay in Wim’s group.

I am happy about this decision, and I am much more motivated to learn the material. I still wonder sometimes if I could have been happier elsewhere, but now I handle the doubt more readily with trust than with fear.