Aaaagh!

In Matrix Reloaded Agent Smith has gained the power to transform others into clones of himself. In one scene he thrusts his hand through Neo’s chest, from which emanates a metallic liquid which begins to slowly cover and penetrate Neo’s whole body until only his face is left uncovered. Only a few more moments and he would be changed into a clone of Agent Smith. This is how I have been feeling, like Neo being transformed by some malicious power and losing his identity forever.

My life right now seems to be going through a lot of change, or at least the initial stages of change. I am a senior and will be graduating this semester, for one. Graduate school in particular permeates my thoughts. I am afraid that I will not be competent enough to keep up with the other physics students, that I will not do well, and that I will disappoint my professors. So as I imagine myself in graduate school and playing possible scenarios through my mind, I begin reforming myself into the kind of person that I think would do a good job in physics–one whose single focus is physics and to do well in it. I can actually feel myself being changed. But this change seems to harden me and turn me into something that doesn’t feel like me and that doesn’t feel right. I begin to be consumed by worries so that either I am afraid or I harden myself because I have to depend on my own strength. As a result my heart does not feel guided by God’s Word (even though I want to be) and I cannot love others as I ought.

I have been going back and forth in this struggle, feeling encroached upon by some force on the one hand and reading God’s word and praying on the other. Last night, though, I was so distressed about this seemingly inexorable power taking over me that I could not sleep. In my mind I cried (almost aloud), “Noooooo!” and I cried to God for help. I remembered James 1:5-8, which says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” Then I got up and wrote in my journal to clarify my thoughts and wrestle with my feelings, to put my trust in God. Writing about it helped me to pinpoint the particular things I was struggling with and to put things back into proper focus. I took up the shield of faith and repelled those fiery darts!

After writing in my journal and recalling scripture and praying I felt my body relax and I was calm again. I realized (yet again) that my sense of worth and identity is hidden in Christ, not in how I do in physics or whether I am competent in something or not. I have learned this lesson before (at least to some extent), but the devil (and the flesh) is so tricky and his ways are often subtle. The whole situation has reminded me in a vivid way that there is a real war, real battles, and real victory through the power of Jesus Christ! Isn’t life exciting?

Anyway, I am sure I will continue to struggle with this idol of wanting to be competent and to have a reputation for excellence–I have had it all my life. Sometimes it seesms to lie dormant and other times it seems to pop up in obvious ways. So please pray that I would continue to grow and that God would increasingly give me the wisdom to know how to focus on physics without making an idol out of it.